Blah is how I feel about my upcoming trip to Ohio. Usually before a trip I'm anxious to plan out my itinerary down to every detail. This time, I can barely get myself to make any plans. I guess I just feel like because I haven't made any positive progress in my life in the last year, I should be embarrassed to visit people. Last year at this time, I had just been laid off and needed to find a job...and I was completely humiliated by that. This year, I have a job that doesn't really pay me and has made me stressed, miserable and despressed. In my mind, I've taken several steps back rather than forward. I've needed to get away from home for a long time and now that I am, I feel indifferent about it. Don't get me wrong, it will be great to get away from Austin. But this isn't like a typical vacation. I will have to watch my budget really closely and don't really have the freedom to do whatever I want while I'm away.
It's been a struggle to even attempt to make any arrangements. I'm in the mindset where I just want to alienate myself from everyone that I don't feel comfortable around (which ends up being most people). I can't help but compare myself to others and feel like a failure. So many thoughts are going through my head that I don't know how to express. My idea was that maybe writing down my thoughts would help me process it and put myself out there. I understand that life is difficult for everyone and people are going through harder times than me and that I should have perspective. But depression is hard and I have a harder time than what's normal in dealing with it, especially when I don't have the tools I'd like to have. At least I'll have a lot of time alone in the car to think about things. Well, that could be a good thing or a bad thing! Be glad you aren't inside my head.
Things I am looking forward to though are seeing my family and meeting Rachel's newest family member, Rufus. And on another positive note, I've been looking forward to my cousin's wedding since Christmas. I always enjoy weddings...for the most part I can escape that dark place in my mind in reference to weddings. I love everything about weddings! I probably won't want to return to Austin and real life after being around my family since I really miss Ohio and having a support system.
Sorry for being such a downer all the time, but I have to be honest. Things aren't good and I don't feel like I should have to be fake.